Archive

Archive for the ‘my life’ Category

NOT THE BEST NEWS, BUT NOT THE WORST, EITHER.

July 16, 2013 2 comments

4:30 AM starts the day off, or finishes the night off as I fell asleep around 3:15. And, oh, how i would have loved to pull that blanket over my head and pretend I was Grace Jones for just a few more minutes. After all I don’t have to be at the hospital until 7:30. And that would have been fine except the Monk in me kicked in. If I have to be at the hospital at 7:30 and a shower and face fix and hair comb only take an hour, theoretically, I could go back to bed until 6AM. Fat chance!

invisible2There I was, having completed all the assigned tasks as assigned to myself for being presentable at the hospital. Well, except one. I think I am going to take a survey of how many people can successfully give them selves a fleet enema at 5 in the damned morning with the sun coming up and the birds twittering a song which I swear is “Na na na na noo noo.” Finally I decide, they’ve put up with a lot worse than someone showing up without giving themselves the prescribed torture prep.

There I am, bright and shiny, at 7:30 just waiting. And waiting quite calmly due to the effects of ATAVAN. When I say that I add a flourish so that is comes out A-A-TA-V-A-A-AN.  This makes it sound to me like I am calling for butthole M-A-A-AN. you know kind of like Super Dog, Mighty Man, WONDER WOMA-A-A-N.  Kinda like my own personal super pill.

When I say “Drugs are our Friends,” I mean it. I am too damned old to be trying to toughen up and take it like a, a what, an idiot. No thanks, pass that Atavan and keep it coming. It makes the fact the first x-ray machine was broken and after thrashing around for half an hour while the machine was manipulated needlessly because the DAMN THING WAS BROKE. It’s not one of those things you kick and go, “Yep, I think tha’s going to do it.”

Hey, here’s an idea, let’s take this cranky old lady who has been suffering by being confined to this rock hard surface and try and delicately move her onto a rolling torture vehicle to another room where the second machine will surely work. Glory be, it does. The drawback to this room is the unnatural twist to my head as I view the x-ray in progress. Now, I’m not a doctor, but I could immediately see the situation had not improved, and in fact had worsened. That was when SHIT, FU*K started bouncing off the walls in this small , metal enclosure. I only said it twice. I thought it another 145 times.

That parts over and it’s time to see my wonderful Doc who is going to tell me what I already know. Starting semi over. Removing some more of the large intestines, rehooking the two ends back up and waiting three months to see if it works this time. This all started a year and a week ago. It kind of reminds be of groundhog day…or the song: Here We Go Again…So around the middle August I will be layed out on a stainless steel table with masked avengers hovering around me looking forward to digging into an abdominal cavity that has seen better days.

And me, well, I’ll read, try not to get caught up in Candy Crush again, sneak as much chocolate into my diet as I can, followed by cheesecake and let out one of my little snorts which translate to, “So, what else is ne?”

The real bummer. My best friends are getting married on August 23 after living together in sin for over 25 years. I thank them for the effort and energy they have expended in their lives together to reach this point. Way to go…best wishes, mazel tov and don’t let the bastards get you down.

OSTOMSM

MY NEW TOY (GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER)

June 17, 2013 Leave a comment

I have managed to put on all the weight that I lost during my medical hurdles last year. That is due to my lack of willpower, lemon pound cakes and avoiding exercise. Hard to believe that would allow 30 pounds to jump on my ass in a mere 6 months. Well, believe it.

I am paying the greatest price for having smoked for 42 years with the big Emphysema. That means that exercise is fairly low impact and basically consists of walking. On flat surfaces. I can see myself as that person prancing around the mall at 7AM. As if I would get up at that time to walk, much less at the mall. But, that is probably the  answer. I will have to walk alone since walking and talking are not compatible now. Maybe when I get more in shape and lose some weight that will change, but being the huffer (not heifer) and puffer that I am I am just going to walk against the clock, head down and hoping no one recognizes me.

NUTRIBULLETI have already lost five pounds. I give the credit to my new toy. I have only made a few major errors with it. Finding out that kale is cruciferous, along with my other favorite vegetables was a real drag. Discovering that I would prefer to eat a raw carrot than drink one was a pure joy.

I don’t think I could eat a banana, a cup of raspberries, an orange, almond milk and yogurt for breakfast, but I can sure drink it. Having this be a basis for two meals with no real carbohydrates or added sugar is a real bonus. I have to grind my flax seed and add it along with protein power to round this all out to bonus levels of energy.

I don’t recommend this as the only juicing machine out there, I am sure there are many that are just as good, all I can really say is this one is amazing. So amazing I got one for my daughter who is now making smoothies for herself and her family.

Now to move on to the exercise stage of this venture. Does walking to and from the refrigerator count?

Categories: food, health, my life Tags:

OSTEOWARRIORS, UNITE!

May 17, 2013 Leave a comment

poop bagI know that most of you know about the past year’s worth of surgery, testing, relapse and on and on and on.  I at peace with the process now and I just want to share what a very good friend I made from down in the South (you know who you are, Allie) who helped tremendously with the process of getting to this point and with a woman up here in the Northland (and,  yes,  Ellen it’s you!) who has also been a constant source of realism and humor!

Well, if you don’t have enough information by now, did you know WE HAVE A DAY? Unfortunately, it seems random depending on where you are, so I have decided EVERYDAY IS OSTOMY DAY! And there are even LOVE NOTES, T-SHIRTS (Of course there are T-SHIRTS!), NURSES, PAPER DOLLS, COMING OUT STICKERS and too much detail. Besides, I think I have already overwhelmed you!

1500

So, from here on out, thanks to Ellen, I will be known as:

PRINCESS WILD COW

OSTEOWARRIOR

WHAT? NO DOCTOR APPOINTMENTS FOR THREE MONTHS?

April 26, 2013 Leave a comment

Apparently I have passed a milestone. This is the joyous news that I do not have a doctor appointment for at least three months. That is amazing! For the past nine months I have had between two to four appointments per month just to keep me on my toes. I still face another surgery, however, by waiting for three months it will be an easier task.

N159-bad-attitudeNo gory details. The biggest problem I have had for the past few months has been the most incredible mood swings of my life. All who know me know that mood swings are a general operating procedure for me. However, the moods have mostly been on the down side and through the joys of chemistry and oral medication I have been able to pull myself off the roller coaster and can think with a clearer mind. This means reading has returned as a joy, I am learning the value of finding the lost socks under the bed and have even mended a shirt. Don’t worry, I have not become completely domesticated. I still don’t see dust.

I am teaching myself refrigerator maintenance. This should have been a required course for me in junior high school as opposed to sewing. I am the queen of condiments. I love fourteen kinds of mustard, pickles, and peppers. I want immediate access to any fruit or vegetable that I knew I would eat come Tuesday. I am working on meal planning and learning that miscellaneous side accoutrements  in stand alone deli displays in the grocery store.

So, who knows what the next three months will bring. Perhaps I shall learn the glory as Home Manager, Plant Grower and Domestic Goddess. Keep an eye open for an update. I won’t be getting my hopes up that this will be a total success and I recommend that you don’t either. Check back for updates and don’t be surprised by anything that may happen.

 

NINE MONTHS, NO BABY. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

March 29, 2013 1 comment

Cartoon-panic-attack

OK, I am now in a place where I can talk about the past weeks medical events.

MONDAY: The invasive x-ray that I insisted on seeing in real time. Unfortunately, I have been through this enough times to see that news wasn’t going to be the best.
THURSDAY:Saw my Wonderful Doctor! He saw the same thing in the x-ray that I saw but was in a better position to interpret the results. The best news would have been that it was time for a takedown of the ileostomy. Worst news would have been this was to be a permanent fixture in my life. (Believe it or not, I have prepared myself for that by assuming the worst.)

Luckily, Dr. Wonderful had a few more things to say about it. There are three choices.

1. Just hang around for another three or four months and see if it heals itself finally and try not to think about it. (Right, not going to happen!)

2. Have another invasive procedure that Dr. Wonderful will perform while I am knocked out so that I won’t be there to assist in the diagnosis. (Smart man.) This will give a clearer picture of what is what in there and decide if #1 or #3 is the best solution.

3. Surgical do over and start the process again. Not the best option, but a possibility that exists. Not as frightening as I once thought but not what I want either.

4. Accept my new friend as a life partner and get on with it. The down side to this is more subtle than obvious. The most obvious downside of this for me is the eventual acceptance that I will just have to deal with the effects of cruciferous vegetables in a fashion that cannot be done without having to actively participate in it.

I have finally gotten to the point that I can honestly only rely on the words of a very succinct philosopher of our times:

“And so it goes…”
— Kurt Vonnegut (Slaughterhouse-Five)

 

ADHD HOUSEKEEPING (OR MECCA LECCA HI, MECCA HINEY HO)

May 17, 2012 Leave a comment

Can this be true? Of course it can:

  1. Mecca lecca hi, mecca hiney hoRe-pot new plants
  2. Clean mess from potting plants
  3. Dry table from potting plants
  4. Dishes
  5. Laundry
  6. Clean Oven(Actually cleaning itself after I accidentally used furniture polish on it.)
  7. Fold yesterday’s Laundry
  8. Iron (I don’t believe it, either.)
  9. Throw rubber chicken for dog
  10. Try and find camera to take picture of dog with chicken in mouth
  11. Check internet
  12. Decide to write blog entry….WAIT–BACK TO WORK, YOU SLACKER!
I have reached the end for today…tomorrows list will be to finish today’s list.

I have no middle ground. For some reason I seem to think that I can do one week’s worth of chores in one day. I am currently undergoing READING WITHDRAWAL  and must return to it for rejuvenation.

Oh, wait, there is dinner or there is cookies for dinner. The nice thing about cookies for dinner is that it leaves a free hand for reading!

TIME USED TO BE LONGER OR WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?

November 21, 2011 Leave a comment


I remember thinking I would be like all those other women who, when seen on tv or in magazines, seem to be able to do everything and still wake up with smiles on their faces, dinners planned, laundry done and the ability to still have free time to do only what they wanted to do. I always assumed this was able to be accomplished in the traditional 24 hours in a day. I didn’t realize that it was a complete misrepresentation of time and the ability to accomplish. No, it was a falsified world that I failed to identify as false.

This was all before ADHD would be identified as one of the contributing factors to my inability to focus. So, therefore, I always attributed it to a character flaw that put me in the “failed” column of “What a Perfect Person Should Be.”

Okay, I think I have finally figured it out. I have an overwhelming need to not miss anything. And, by “anything,” I mean “ANYTHING.” This applies to: books, news, movies, television, music, and any other form of information that is out there. This works out perfect for my other quirk, introversion. I can live quite well in a cave with the only external information coming to me in the form of non-personhood. I do pretty well one on one for a limited amount of time, but basically, I am a reclusive misanthrope. Now those of you who know me also know that this seems incongruous. It is not. For, while I am an introvert, I am not shy. At work I can small talk with the best of them while in the back of my head is solitude.

This means that facebook and google+ was made just for me. It fills the need to let me know information of all of those in my personal life. This also includes friends I have never met. It also allows me to “like” a variety of news sources, social sites, and organizations without even having to leave the sanctity of my “cave.” I am not sure where this is heading, but I started this whole thing wanting to turn all of you on to how books affect my life. (See photo!) And how, on my day off I am brought to tears while watching the National Book Award show on C-span.

While the dishes go undone, the laundry unwashed, the dishes sitting in the sink, I am watching this amazing acceptance speech from Nikky Finney. Watch her acceptance speech at Nikky Finney’s 2011 National Book Award in Poetry acceptance speech. I was sobbing by the end. So, screw Aunt Bea, I am a lazy, good-for-nothing slackard heading to hell in a handbasket. But, I sure know a lot across a broad spectrum of the useless information which would be a great thing if I were on Jeopardy, but really means that my house is a mess and I am happy.

Categories: books, my life