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WHAT? NO DOCTOR APPOINTMENTS FOR THREE MONTHS?
Apparently I have passed a milestone. This is the joyous news that I do not have a doctor appointment for at least three months. That is amazing! For the past nine months I have had between two to four appointments per month just to keep me on my toes. I still face another surgery, however, by waiting for three months it will be an easier task.
No gory details. The biggest problem I have had for the past few months has been the most incredible mood swings of my life. All who know me know that mood swings are a general operating procedure for me. However, the moods have mostly been on the down side and through the joys of chemistry and oral medication I have been able to pull myself off the roller coaster and can think with a clearer mind. This means reading has returned as a joy, I am learning the value of finding the lost socks under the bed and have even mended a shirt. Don’t worry, I have not become completely domesticated. I still don’t see dust.
I am teaching myself refrigerator maintenance. This should have been a required course for me in junior high school as opposed to sewing. I am the queen of condiments. I love fourteen kinds of mustard, pickles, and peppers. I want immediate access to any fruit or vegetable that I knew I would eat come Tuesday. I am working on meal planning and learning that miscellaneous side accoutrements in stand alone deli displays in the grocery store.
So, who knows what the next three months will bring. Perhaps I shall learn the glory as Home Manager, Plant Grower and Domestic Goddess. Keep an eye open for an update. I won’t be getting my hopes up that this will be a total success and I recommend that you don’t either. Check back for updates and don’t be surprised by anything that may happen.
NINE MONTHS, NO BABY. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
OK, I am now in a place where I can talk about the past weeks medical events.
MONDAY: The invasive x-ray that I insisted on seeing in real time. Unfortunately, I have been through this enough times to see that news wasn’t going to be the best.
THURSDAY:Saw my Wonderful Doctor! He saw the same thing in the x-ray that I saw but was in a better position to interpret the results. The best news would have been that it was time for a takedown of the ileostomy. Worst news would have been this was to be a permanent fixture in my life. (Believe it or not, I have prepared myself for that by assuming the worst.)
Luckily, Dr. Wonderful had a few more things to say about it. There are three choices.
1. Just hang around for another three or four months and see if it heals itself finally and try not to think about it. (Right, not going to happen!)
2. Have another invasive procedure that Dr. Wonderful will perform while I am knocked out so that I won’t be there to assist in the diagnosis. (Smart man.) This will give a clearer picture of what is what in there and decide if #1 or #3 is the best solution.
3. Surgical do over and start the process again. Not the best option, but a possibility that exists. Not as frightening as I once thought but not what I want either.
4. Accept my new friend as a life partner and get on with it. The down side to this is more subtle than obvious. The most obvious downside of this for me is the eventual acceptance that I will just have to deal with the effects of cruciferous vegetables in a fashion that cannot be done without having to actively participate in it.
I have finally gotten to the point that I can honestly only rely on the words of a very succinct philosopher of our times:
“And so it goes…”
— Kurt Vonnegut (Slaughterhouse-Five)
ADHD HOUSEKEEPING (OR MECCA LECCA HI, MECCA HINEY HO)
Can this be true? Of course it can:
Re-pot new plants- Clean mess from potting plants
- Dry table from potting plants
- Dishes
- Laundry
- Clean Oven(Actually cleaning itself after I accidentally used furniture polish on it.)
- Fold yesterday’s Laundry
- Iron (I don’t believe it, either.)
- Throw rubber chicken for dog
- Try and find camera to take picture of dog with chicken in mouth
- Check internet
- Decide to write blog entry….WAIT–BACK TO WORK, YOU SLACKER!
I have no middle ground. For some reason I seem to think that I can do one week’s worth of chores in one day. I am currently undergoing READING WITHDRAWAL and must return to it for rejuvenation.
Oh, wait, there is dinner or there is cookies for dinner. The nice thing about cookies for dinner is that it leaves a free hand for reading!
TIME USED TO BE LONGER OR WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?
I remember thinking I would be like all those other women who, when seen on tv or in magazines, seem to be able to do everything and still wake up with smiles on their faces, dinners planned, laundry done and the ability to still have free time to do only what they wanted to do. I always assumed this was able to be accomplished in the traditional 24 hours in a day. I didn’t realize that it was a complete misrepresentation of time and the ability to accomplish. No, it was a falsified world that I failed to identify as false.
This was all before ADHD would be identified as one of the contributing factors to my inability to focus. So, therefore, I always attributed it to a character flaw that put me in the “failed” column of “What a Perfect Person Should Be.”
Okay, I think I have finally figured it out. I have an overwhelming need to not miss anything. And, by “anything,” I mean “ANYTHING.” This applies to: books, news, movies, television, music, and any other form of information that is out there. This works out perfect for my other quirk, introversion. I can live quite well in a cave with the only external information coming to me in the form of non-personhood. I do pretty well one on one for a limited amount of time, but basically, I am a reclusive misanthrope. Now those of you who know me also know that this seems incongruous. It is not. For, while I am an introvert, I am not shy. At work I can small talk with the best of them while in the back of my head is solitude.
This means that facebook and google+ was made just for me. It fills the need to let me know information of all of those in my personal life. This also includes friends I have never met. It also allows me to “like” a variety of news sources, social sites, and organizations without even having to leave the sanctity of my “cave.” I am not sure where this is heading, but I started this whole thing wanting to turn all of you on to how books affect my life. (See photo!) And how, on my day off I am brought to tears while watching the National Book Award show on C-span.
While the dishes go undone, the laundry unwashed, the dishes sitting in the sink, I am watching this amazing acceptance speech from Nikky Finney. Watch her acceptance speech at Nikky Finney’s 2011 National Book Award in Poetry acceptance speech. I was sobbing by the end. So, screw Aunt Bea, I am a lazy, good-for-nothing slackard heading to hell in a handbasket. But, I sure know a lot across a broad spectrum of the useless information which would be a great thing if I were on Jeopardy, but really means that my house is a mess and I am happy.
What ADHD has done for me
At age 64 I think I am finally giving up the pursuit of perfection in my being. At least, I hope I have. It is a strange thing to be diagnosed at 50 and to have it explain the missing achievements of the past. So, as I look around my bedroom at the stacks of clothes not put away, books not read, drawers left half-open I find that I finally want to let go of the feeling of failing for being able to keep it things in the perfect order that I have been brainwashed into believing that they should be.
I am absolutely certain that the number of broken bones I have incurred, the cuts, the falls, the clumsiness can be attributed to the ADHD. While my career as a ballerina was in no way affected since it was never a goal, I can see why so many things in my life happened the way they did. Crazy parental behavior played a part in it, also. By the time high school graduation arrived I had lived in no fewer than four states, twelve cities and, at a minimum, fifteen houses, apartments, and hovels. This does not include the few empty houses my mother broke into so we wouldn’t sleep in an alley somewhere.
All of this has led to a strange affliction of self doubt, feelings of total insecurity and an absolute tendency to say whatever is on my mind at the most inopportune moments. It has also created an individual that has survived much of with a wicked sense of humor, a cornucopia of useless knowledge and a level of guilt that I am now totally willing to pass on to some void in the sky.
Meanwhile, the pile of books sets untouched, the clothes are easier to get to and I have to go now and do something that doesn’t require me to sit still for more that 10 minute.
THINGS HALF STARTED AND THINGS HALF DONE
Today I thought I was going to go to the grocery store by myself. Ha ha! With my more giant than usual right food, it was going to require some extra special maneuvering. Ha ha! Stretching my right leg over to the passenger side of the car so that I could drive with my left foot. I don’t think there is a yoga pose that would have prepared me for that task. So, it appears that I will have to hunt down a chauffeur for tomorrow’s trip. That will give me time to hone my list into a OCD map for efficiency.
So, what will I do instead. Oh, my side of the bed is still waiting for some tender loving care. Big foot or not, this is a truly daunting task! It requires moving books that I haven’t touched in months but will want to read immediately upon storing them away. I thought my nook color was going to help with this problem. That is why I have over 200 books to read on the nook and have only brought home a limited number of books since then. Limited, my ass! Limited by only the number I can stack and blend into the others to justify my behavior as non-hoarding. Stay tune for the before and after of this exciting project.
WHERE DOES ALL THE TIME GO?
“It is better to pass boldly into that other world, in the full glory of some passion, than to fade and wither dismally with age.” – James Joyce
Where the hell did the old 24 hours a day go. Approaching 65 (quickly) hours have been compressed into half hours or extended into four hours. Examples: At work 8 hours=32 hours. At home 16 hours=8 hours. Oh, and the need for sleep has increased which cuts further into that eight hours I thought I had to cook, read, do laundry, sleep, watch meaningless tv and carry on a meaningful conversation with the man who adores me.
This aging thing is really is beginning to suck big time. We are all told about the obvious things that happen. Dropping body parts, drying skin, aching joints and on and on and on. But there are the things they forgot to mention. Shrinking bladder means not a full night’s sleep and if I make it another ten years I may have to invent a toilet bed, oh, wait, that’s a “home” isn’t it.
And what’s with this “liver spot” thing? You can play connect the dots on the back of my hands and I’m sure they are in the places on my body where I can no longer see. (These places increase hyper-proportionately with the years.) Now, the big news about these little spots is: They also accumulate in your brain! So, that name you were trying to remember in that movie (the name escapes me) is now occupied by a “liver spot.” Oh, joy.
Did I mention that the fat proportion in your body weight increases? So, who knew? My ass, that’s who. Our nerves start to deteriorate, oh, that doesn’t matter, you can’t see that so it doesn’t count. And if you hide 99% of the rest of your body none of it matters. That is until you realize you are now a lizard and your skin sheds nightly and you spend more on moisturizer than the country is spending on wars. (Oops, got a little political there.)
The ability to concentrate diminishes. Tie that with ADD and the next thing you know, well, you don’t know, that’s the problem. Ability to read more than half an hour at a time. Gone… Ability to remember becomes replaced with, “Huh? what was I saying?” Ability to multi-task drops to ability to walk from one room to the other and know why. Sometimes.
Where I am going with all of this? I forgot. Oh, yeah, I really want to do something…I just can’t decide. Read, yeah, that was it. Now where did I put my Nook?
HOW THE WORLD REALLY WORKS
I suppose that none of us should be surprised by this. Reality takes up a very small portion in the world as we see it. I am constantly having my jaw drop to the floor as I scream “WTF” only in expanded form. I use the internet as a diversion. Not necessarily as a diversion from the world, but as a way to learn more about the world.
I am constantly running across views that we never see if we read the local newspaper, watch the national news or even spend a reasonable amount of time listening to public radio. Does this make me feel any better? Hell, no. Instead I am find myself using facebook as a forum for my views on the world. I post articles, cartoons and opinions that fall into my field of thinking.
What does that mean? It means I get to read something, approve it and share it. But, where are my opinions about this. Oh, someone else is going to show them to you. Sometimes I may have an opinion worth sharing.Or, have I become so lazy that I just let others think for me? Is that my new reality? Hopefully, I will start to change that as I have made a commitment to myself to participate instead of just watch the world go by.
While the days of overt activism may be over, I can share these opinions on the WWW and get some of this internal ranting out there for you to enjoy. Bon appetit!
Here’s the link that the above graphic comes from.
WHATEVER WAS I THINKING? 